Reintegration: My Journey to Enjoying Life Again After Illness Related Trauma
My story of getting back to myself while navigating chronic illness
It’s May, which means we are officially, fully immersed in the spring season. And after a particularly brutal winter, the warmth and newness of spring is hitting different this year. And I don’t think I’m the only one feeling this way.
From conversations with loved ones and discourse I have seen online, collectively, we all had a rough winter. Winter is naturally a season for rest, making it the best period for reflection, but that rest can often be accompanied by heavier emotions such as anxiety, guilt, grief, and plain ol’ seasonal depression.
All of these emotions hit me very hard this past season, as I faced deep depression and battled trials of psychological warfare that almost consumed me.
Due to my chronic digestive disorder, my health slowly deteriorated, forcing me into a period of isolation. And as someone who is already an overthinker, being alone with just me and my thoughts while also being sleep-deprived, malnourished, and hungry, was, of course, going to be a breeding ground for chaos.
When practical advice for healing my gut wasn’t working and doctors’ visits became more frustrating than helpful, I dove headfirst into spiritual and emotional healing in hopes of also restoring my physical body.
According to the law of attraction, our current reality is a result of our thoughts and past actions. This innocent philosophy became a catalyst for dangerous thinking during my time of peril because, with this logic, I began thinking my illness was somehow my fault. It was up to me to “heal” on a deeper, spiritual level to get back to full health. But this created a toxic thought loop that inevitably made my condition worse.
Despite my consistent yoga practices filled with hip and heart openers, my daily journaling, and all the guided meditations, I found myself having moments of immense clarity, only to be knocked down by confusion and frustration when I would have another flare-up, and the flare-ups were getting worse. This repeated experience of intense highs and lows broke me, making this period the literal worst couple of months in my life.
There was so much I grappled with in those winter months, when I was only able to eat rice noodles and potatoes and only had enough energy to walk to the couch. Although I had emotionally charged crashouts every other day, I still had hope buried deep inside me. But still, in the process, I lost some of the spark that made me who I am. I lost my joy.
Sure, I found happiness in small places through reading, movies, music, and writing, but due to my condition, the activities I once enjoyed that filled my life with wonder and joy were no longer on the table. Going out to eat, attending local events, traveling, and even hanging out with friends seemed all out of reach. And while it’s true that some of those things weren’t feasible for my physical body, I believe it was my mental state that stagnated me the most.
I made a couple of attempts to go out into the world and be “normal” for a while, but it seemed like every time I did, my body would resist, making me sicker. Outside started to feel like a danger zone for me, and my 600 sq ft apartment became my safe haven.
This period of continuous unpredictability, when it came to my health, had more effects on my psychological state than I realized. I wasn’t really sure what to eat most of the time to avoid severe indigestion, because while one day I might tolerate it fine, the next day could be a completely different story. This made me fearful of consuming many foods altogether, sending me into a state of panic or freeze when deciding what to eat, or when I felt uncomfortable symptoms arising. After countless instances of making what I felt were the “wrong” choices when it came to food or even supplements and medication, I was chipping away at my self-trust.
Thankfully, fast forward to March, through holistic medicine and testing, I was able to get some answers to my wrecked gut. Turns out I had a bad case of gut dysbiosis, which is basically a severe imbalance in my gut’s microbiome. This caused an overwhelming amount of bad bacteria to take over my gut—and parasites to invade my body. One of the practitioners I worked with said that the good bacteria needed for healthy digestion were nearly nonexistent. Wild, I know. So with that, I began antimicrobial and antiparasitic treatments for my impaired microbiome and very slowly started to see progress. THANK GOD.
I’m still in the process of eliminating these toxins and restoring my gut flora, but I am in a much more stable state than before. And while I have found nourishment and comfort from some of my favorite foods again, I still harbor some of the same fears I battled during my period of distress. That dark, long period of continuous setbacks, ups and downs, and isolation had given me a mild case of PTSD that I’m still working through.
Medical and Illness-Related PTSD
It’s not uncommon for people who have gone through traumatic health and medical experiences to develop a form of PTSD. While I didn’t have any horrible experiences in a hospital or ER like most people who experience this (even though I did make a few trips there), what I experienced in my own home was more than enough to alter my psychological state. The continuous rejection of food, being lethargic, my body shaking from belching and indigestion, all broke me. Not to mention the continuous frustrations and let downs I received from the health care industry, being unable to give me a proper diagnosis or treatment.
While I’m extremely grateful to begin healing and re-integrate into the world around me, there have been a few roadblocks. Even though I was happy to be outside again, I had an ongoing fear that something bad would happen. I would also get hyperaroused to different stimuli, nearly shaking from a hint of chill, tensing up from being in public spaces too long, or experiencing general anxiety and nervousness until I returned home.
I also still battle fears over what I’m eating, considering I haven’t fully healed yet. My worst fear is returning to my worst state or somehow becoming “uncurable” after making this much progress. I’m able to tolerate foods much better, but there are still times when certain things don’t agree with me, and I’m sent back into that negative thought loop I experienced before.
After talking with my therapist about these sensations, she confirmed that I was experiencing symptoms of PTSD from the traumatic experiences that my chronic gut issues caused me. It’s a hard process and very unfair, but she told me the best way to combat it is to keep going. I have to keep exposing myself to the outside world and things I loved before to train my body to feel safe again doing these things.
Coming Back Home
All of the trauma and fears still weigh on me, and feelings of doubt creep in from time to time, but I have gotten a lot better at keeping them at bay. In order to heal, I had to reframe my mind in a way that prioritized acceptance and gentleness rather than anxiety and blame.
Even though I was given a treatment plan and do my best to eat nourishing foods, there are still many things that are out of my control. I can seemingly do everything right and still experience an intense episode of indigestion sometimes. However, instead of blaming myself for eating the “wrong” thing, I began forgiving and nurturing myself.
The truth is, with my condition, the problem is rarely with the foods I’m eating anyway. It’s not like I’m out here eating hot cheetos, buffalo wings, or one of those diabolical TikTok concoctions like deep-fried pork chop burger or something. It’s really the foreign invaders in my body that’s the problem. I could stick to the most clean, “gut-friendly” diet and still experience a hiccup. So I developed the mantra that whatever happens, “I can’t make the wrong decision”. Even if it seems like it’s harmful in the beginning, everything is leading me to become the healthiest version of myself. I can learn from the triggers, and sometimes, just because it might be rough in the beginning, doesn’t mean it’s not working.
As someone recovering from serious control issues, letting go and trusting the process has been extremely challenging for me. I want to “fix” my condition so bad, but at the end of the day, the only thing I can really control is how I react to each flare-up or setback.
I spent so much time waiting to be “fully healed” and worry-free to begin enjoying things again. But I’m done waiting for the perfect conditions to live my life, because who knows if I’ll ever truly get that. While the periods of rest were and still are much needed, I’m blessed enough to have more agency now in how I spend my time.
So even if I have an episode in the morning, I can still meet up with some friends that evening, and I can still eat a full meal without feeling guilty. My body is already going through so much, there is no need for me to punish myself even further because I’m not where I want to be yet.
I don’t know what’s ahead for me as far as my digestive health. I’m praying I continue the path of recovery, but in the process, all I can do is be kind to myself. I’ve accepted that at this point in my journey, my mindset is way more important than anything I consume.
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I really resonate with this post. I am so sorry to hear that you are also facing gut related physical and emotional trauma. Your description of only being able to eat rice noodles and potatoes really hit home for me- I'm all too familiar with the incredibly limited diet's from our body's poor tolerance. I am so glad you've found some answers and are healing your gut flora!
I also faced a rough winter with my symptoms and I can feel the call to move forward. I love your perspective that no matter what decision you make, you are still on your healing journey. I think we are so inundated with information on what is "right" for our health. Every microbiome is as different as our fingerprint! The only right decision is what feels right for us in that moment. And quality of life/following our heart chakra should really be at the centre of that. That's healing too.
I think you captured all this really well... I also love your pic playing with the flowers. I wish you a smooth healing journey and hope that it is reaching it's "Summer" season. 🌸
You have been through so much. Thank you for your courage in sharing this. I'm a big believer in yogurt. I hope and pray things get better 🙏